The 4th Brahma Vihara Equanimity, is best experienced in this ten day wisdom course by Sharon Salzberg. In taking this course I realized how much I didn’t know about equanimity, and how eager I was to learn more.
The dictionary describes it as mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, especially in a difficult situation. A state of balance so to speak, when we are ok with pain and joy occurring at the same time and experience them both as part of life and the way things are.
The slogan for equanimity is “All beings are the owners of their own actions, their happiness and unhappiness depends upon their actions, not on my wishes for them”.
Growing up I conditioned myself to believe the opposite to be true. I believed others couldn’t care for themselves and it was my responsibility to make them happy or content. I see now how flawed and toxic that conditioning was to me and to those I was in a loving relationship with. It created an unhealthy slew of codependency that tied us in misery and heartbreak.
It was when I had a light bulb moment of realization- all adults are capable of taking care of themselves and their needs, whether they do so or not is up to them; that I was truly free from this codependency. Breaking out of this autopilot way of being was not easy, but I knew fully it was the only way to love unconditionally and to feel true compassion for myself and others.
I examine my equanimity in all situations now, feeling more and more compassion for all beings. Allowing them to be the owners of their own actions, without judgement, rejection, or a need to change them, I can witness it all, be with it all, and be ok.